shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
