i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
