i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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