he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It all started with a game of naked twister.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
