My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
