I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I want her autograph on my taint
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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