I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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