There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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