Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
