her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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