don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
