I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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