And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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