I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
