did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
