Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
