the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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