awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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