I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
