I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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