I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Bang-toberfest begins!!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
