so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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