they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
