how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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