Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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