My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
