Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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