Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You smell like stripper and shame
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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