Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
