Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
