Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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