I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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