My first STD was from a foam party
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
