Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she peed on how many people?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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