the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
