I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
