Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
