2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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