if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
