This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
