remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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