im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I deserve this hangover.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
