Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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