I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There's always time for handjobs
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
