This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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