It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
