One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
