If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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