i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
