margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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